That's some SCARY stuff!

This week on "God radically turning my life upside down." Dun dun DUN. Intimacy yep I said it. INTIMACY. *scary ghost sounds* Now I know some of you are thinking "What's the big deal?" Well obviously you are ridiculous and abnormal. For the rest of us I will refer from now on to it as the "I" word. I realized on a major level this week how much I sensor myself which is so infuriating. (And yes infuriating is a word, I decided) I pride myself on being very honest and to the point. I wear my "honesty" badge with pride. 


Yeah so for example monday night was my core group. I left early because the kids weren't feeling well. I called Ant and said I was on my way home.  Now in my mind I thought UNCONSCIOUSLY "I want to be mommy. The hero. Come home. The baby will have missed me. He will need me. I will feed him and the world will continue to orbit." He answers the phone and I announce "I'm on my way." *hero sounds* He replies "Great. Liam just ate 4 ounces from the bottle." I respond "oh.....um....okay...." sounding slightly annoyed at his capableness. On the inside I'm crying "I'm not needed. He's growing up without me. He's my last baby. I'm old." Sad misery continues....

All this sounds fairly normal but my problem is I never communicated anything that was in my mind. I never processed any of it. Why? Oh simple because that would have been weak and "girly." I decided at some point that showing true deep emotions was weak and that it would not be honored or received well. I have gotten better at it over the years but this week God really showed me that by keeping this all to myself I lack intimacy. This place where you can go and all your heart is revealed. Where you can revel in true freedom. Where you can sit in Papa's lap in complete peace knowing that you are safe even with your heart exposed. This process is so scary but I know it will lead to such an amazing place in God that I haven't been before.

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Maybe...

I think I'm going to start to blog. Obviously this will be very very sporadic as I have little time. Also I plan on it being very random and to the point. A lot like myself. Grammar and spelling will be horrific. Don't take anything personal and don't have high expectations. Thoughts to come soon.....

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The only Mason girl

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